If you’re single and over the age of 20, then you’ve most likely encountered the questions. You know the ones. No matter how confident you are, how happy with your life, these questions throw you. And responding with anything less than complete and utter civility only reassures the asker, proving their original thesis:

that you are, in fact, single for a reason.

So on this year on Valentine's Day, I'm turning the tables on these question happy folks and giving them the answers they so truly deserve. Because I happen to be single and am not ashamed to say it. So please enjoy this series of questions/statements commonly posed to singles everywhere and the responses they actually deserve but never get.  

Author's note: These responses are intended to be read/said with the largest dose of sarcasm imaginable.

"You aren’t getting any younger."

Response: Really?! And here I thought I was pulling a Benjamin Button this whole time! Thanks awfully for clearing that up!

"Don’t you want to have kids someday?"

Response: I’m undecided actually. I mean I have this stellar figure to uphold.

"Aren’t you afraid all the good ones will be taken?"

Response: Good ones? I’m sorry. Just want to clarify, are we talking about people or fruit?

"You don’t want to die alone do you?"

Response: Why yes of course! Isn’t that what everyone dreams of!

"Do you even want to get married?"

Response: Actually it isn’t on my to do list. I’m much more keen on having a successful career, meaningful friendships, and traveling the world.

"Aren't all your friends married?"

Response: If all my friends jumped off a bridge, would you have me jump too?

"Always a bridesmaid, huh?"

Response: Nope. I don’t like the silly dresses. I prefer to look amazing at weddings. My goal is to upstage the bride.

"Are you being too picky?"

Response: Isn’t this the one time in life that too picky might actually be a good thing? We are talking about committing oneself to another person for life. I’d prefer to air on the side of picky if you don’t mind.

"Have you tried match.com?"

Response: No. How did it work out for you?

"Maybe you aren't putting yourself out there enough."

Response: If by putting myself out there, you mean going to every bar’s happy hour and talking to whomever shows up, then no I suppose not. Oh well. Call me a quitter.

"I have this friend/son/relative…"

Response: How jolly good for you! That has absolutely no bearing on my life at all.

"Where’s your boyfriend?" 

Response: Not sure. When I find him, shall I give you a buzz?

"Its fine to focus on your career now, but what about in 10 years?"

Response: In 10 years, I shall be running a company. What about you? Oh right. You’ll be right here. Doing the same thing. I win. At life.

"You know a career will not keep you warm at night."

Response: Will it not? Is that not how I pay my utility bills and how I bought that delightful electric blanket?

"I envy you. I wish I was still single."

Response: You really should envy me. I have a much more interesting life than you do!